I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”