Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”