Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
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I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.