Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.