KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
S M O L
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.