“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
the icebreaker
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.