Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Good advice.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.