I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts