Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
You Might Also Like
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I think they could have phrased this better
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’