Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything