Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.