Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Oops I deleted….
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
An odd boast