Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.