CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”