Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I have a type: disappointing
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
be careful
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I put the p in pants.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”