[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real