Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra