When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
You Might Also Like
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.