I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.