Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?