Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join