The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I had to Stop for this
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?