Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
The glockness monster
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Happy Febuary everyone!
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company