I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
The cashier just checked me out.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
don’t we all
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.