We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.