I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32