*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Our lord and savoury.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.