I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
me hooking up with my ex
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime