Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
twitter users today:
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Meowchelangelo
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween