Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.