“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
You Might Also Like
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
This meal prepping shit is easy
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?