i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends