Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
where the womens at?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person