Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
You Might Also Like
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My dog learned how to text
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.