The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
You Might Also Like
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”