Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
You Might Also Like
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.