I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.