Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
6. me as a lawyer
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.