How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.