My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.