If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
crying
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not