“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider