“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”