Cndnsd Mlk
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Bobby pin
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit