Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Realize this:
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*