Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*