If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.