I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes