Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
😅😅😅
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
asked my bf how work was today
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
That’s no pocket rocket.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too