Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late